Happy 2010!
It's a strange time of year, really. Just last month advertisers were trying to get us to gorge on anything and everything calorie-laden that we could cram into our mouths & to whip out our credit cards for every new gadget we laid our eyes upon. But now, as I glance to the right column of advertisements on Facebook, all the ads are about re-gaining control. Of course, they are still trying to sell us something, but instead of selling indulgence, they are selling us restraint. "Weight Watchers" is touting "weight loss freedom." Subway is teaching us to "eat fresh." The latest diet RX that is sure to do the trick is pill-pushing. And so on and so forth. All to gain control. Control that just last month we blindly cast aside as "ho-hum" as we said "Ho-Ho-Ho"!

It's always about control, isn't it?

I confess, this last year has left me feeling more out of control than ever before. The only season I could compare it to was the extended season of infertility in our lives. Prayers seemed to slam the ceiling of Heaven and I felt like there was nothing more we could do. And I was right. I was completely out of control. That season lasted 10 years. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

Then some years rolled by and things seem to sail pretty smoothly. Financially, spiritually, mentally, physically... things were going pretty well...fairly uneventful, with the occasional bump in the road. Then "BOOM!!!!!!" March 29th of 2009. I am completely out of control again. My husband Mark breaks twenty - three bones in his body and has metal permanently implanted into 5 limbs and joints all because one girl happened to be driving and not paying attention on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. Mark's job ends, three surgeries take place, our life goes into storage - not to mention our dreams - lots of rehab ensues & we no longer have much sense of what the future holds. Then or now.

And so, if you're like me, you begin to try to control everything that CAN be controlled. I may obsessively clean my house, sort through things, purge and give to the Good Will. Organize and then organize some more. Containers...that's what I need. More containers...large and small! Maybe, if it's the beginning of a New Year, I get super-motivated and control my eating and exercise more faithfully than I do the rest of the year. I re-organize my filing cabinet, old receipts, get my "house in order" because everything else is pure chaos. There are some things I can and will control, and these are they.

That was my 2009. Losing control. It was terrible, yet wonderful. And God met me there in such a powerful way that I'm still processing. Maybe more powerfully than when I imagined I was "in control" years before.

The book of James says, "Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."

What part of that Scripture gives us any indication that we are in control at all? As far as I can tell, it seems to be a sum total of about zero percent.

Or how about this one ..."For I know the plans I HAVE FOR YOU" declares the Lord. (Jer. 29)
Or, "We are the clay, You are the Potter; we are all the work of Your hand." (Isaiah 64)
H-m-m-m-m....again, I'm not getting the picture that we are "at the wheel," so to speak. Are you?

It seems to me we are all completely out of control. Always. On March 28th, I was just as out of control as I was at 3:30 PM on March 29th, when I got the call from the hospital. And so why the increased anxiety, the absolute fight to cast my cares upon the Lord, the urge to take so many things into my hands because I feel the reins have been ripped from mine since that scary day? Because somehow I guess I must've thought I was in control prior to that. Oh, I wouldn't have said those words. After all, I've even written songs about the Lord being in control and surrendering everything to Him, etc...And I believe and mean every word. But my actions and reactions revealed that deep inside I must've felt some level of self-sufficiency and that I wasn't too happy with this outcome.

And so, as I face this new year, I do have a few resolutions.

I have the usual..."lose 15 pounds."
And the "eat less sugar/exercise more."
And don't forget the "spend more quality time with my family...unrushed and undistracted."
And the sincere "spend more time with the Lord...quality not quantity."
These are mostly all goals that are within my control.

But my number one New Year's Resolution is this.

To lose control.

Or, more accurately, to become more at ease with the fact that I never have been in control at all - at least of the things that matter most. I do not wish to regain the perception of control I so firmly held in my grasp, but to be at peace with my open hands.

I want to honestly look my anxiety square in the eye and sock it in the jaw. To realize that the fear of loss or of more pain, the anger and frustration that try to grip me at times are just symptoms of a greater problem. And that problem is that I am afraid of fully letting go.

Oh, I trust God. Don't get me wrong. But I guess there's a part of me that is sometimes scared of the unpredictability of it all. And so this year I want to continue learning more about truly being OK with the letting go, even in the face of pain.

If we could but see into eternity. Just a peek, as John did in Revelation, I'm sure it would be much easier to gain this kind of perspective..."I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True." (Rev 19) Would I believe and trust fully then? Most certainly, I hope.

But I want to trust now, not just because I have seen Him, but because I have seen His faithfulness through the pain and I have chosen to believe. As Peter said in I Peter 1, I long for this to be said of me... "In this I greatly rejoice, though now for a little while I may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that my faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though I have not seen Him, I love Him: (oh, yes, I love Him!) and even though I do not see Him now, I believe in Him and am filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy..."

Not panic. Not fear. Not anxiety. Not moaning and groaning. Not doubt.

But joy. Rejoicing. Genuine faith. Rest. Love. Salvation. Trust.

Why? Because I believe in this rider whose name is "Faithful and True." He has a robe dipped in blood, and there's simply no mistaking how much He loves me.

"Happy 2010, my Lord. May You who holds time in Your hands and who is not bound by the hours in a day or the days in a year, fully reign in me this 2010. I do not clench tightly my future, but cling to You who holds it in Your loving hands."