Sometimes I sit and stare at this page somehow feeling the need to word things "just so."  After all, I don't want to offend, confuse, or have anyone think less of me.  How goofy is that!  I mean, what's a journal or a blog all about anyway?  Getting real and sharing what's truly on your heart.  

Last night I opened for a Selah concert and I got a chance to meet and go to dinner with Angie Smith (Todd's wife) & the rest of the gang. She was so incredibly real and authentic and we instantly connected. During the course of our conversation, we both came to the conclusion that probably THE most endearing characteristic in a person is authenticity.  I LOVE it when people are unafraid to let it all hang out...not in a self-indulgent way or a pity party way - but in a way that lets you know that they aren't trying to create some sort of false image of themselves.  I also love (& try to be this way, though I'm sure I often fail) when people are more interested in others than themselves - whether it be in the midst of a conversation or by realizing how much we think of ourselves throughout the day and what might improve OUR day, rather than how we might improve someone else's.  Gollee, I am guilty of that so often.  

All that said, I decided last night that more than ever before, I want to share my heart and my journey on these pages.  Not that I haven't up to this point, but I think we, as Christ-followers - need to get real and not be afraid to show it.  We also need to care deeply for one another. And I mean not just in words, but in deeds.  Care enough to be honest.

OK, so enough about that.  As Angie and I were talking last night over dinner, we landed on the subject of motherhood and the subject of infertility came up.  I couldn't help but remember a maddening email that I received once.  Truly, 99% of emails that I receive are precious and heartfelt and encouraging, but this particular one was so upsetting. Not long after adopting our son, I began posting several pictures and journal entries about this answer to prayer.  Knowing fully that this was God's plan for us, I was shocked when I received an email that said that "if we could raise our level of faith then we would have actually been able to have a biological child and not been forced to adopt."  Wow...I'm sorry, did I really just read that?  This emailer went on to share their testimony about how God had answered their prayers after they raised their faith levels and given them several children.  I stared dumb-founded at the computer screen after reading this...very briefly tempted to respond.  But knowing that would get me absolutely nowhere, I casually reached up and hit the "delete" key.  

It took me back to the mid-90's, when I was at Christ for the Nations and a dear, precious friend of mine named Kerri Hulen was fighting valiantly for her life.  She had breast cancer.  With the best intent, many professors, students and other faculty would encourage her to repent of any unconfessed sin in her life, raise her levels of faith, and most certainly she would be healed.  I watched her repent of things that probably weren't even sin, as she struggled to survive for her husband and two toddlers.  I watched her fight for her life, all the while wondering if it was somehow HER fault that she was sick.  There were days I had no words.  I, too, was confused.  This was the first time I was an eyewitness to someone literally fighting to survive.  I wanted to believe that if we did all the right things & confessed the right Scriptures that all would be well.  After a five year battle, Kerri went home to be with Jesus.  While she was struggling to live, I was struggling to bring life into this world.  Both of us were crying out to God, but not getting the answer we expected.  

And there are millions of stories that are similar.  Over the years, through the struggle with infertility that Mark and I had, I received many "words from the Lord" given to me by people.  I've seen many precious Christ-followers be catapulted into deep, deep valleys of pain plagued by all the "why's." And I've heard many, many testimonies of God's healing power and deliverance as well.  There was no common denominator, where those with GREAT faith got the miracle and those with lesser faith continued to muddle along in their trials.  Not so.

The fact is that God is the One who decides.  I'm not saying that there aren't things we do that hinder His power in our lives and there are many things He "allows" but does not necessarily "cause."  Certainly. But if our hearts are turned toward Him, our desire is for Him, and our lives are surrendered to Him, we are in HIS hands.  He is speaking to us, He is living in and through us.  He is authoring our stories.  He is putting the finishing touches on each chapter of our lives.  Sometimes the chapter is marred by deep pain.  But He has promised to make those valleys fertile places and to never leave us nor forsake us.  

OK...so my theology has changed, I suppose, over the years.  Or I guess I've let go of my need to understand and have pat answers and I'm learning to trust more and more in a God that I do not fully comprehend, who is wild at heart, but who is incomprehensibly good.  

So, yes, I hit the "delete" key that night over a year ago when I read that email.  But I suppose this is my response now.  My honest response.  If you can look in the beautiful eyes of my son and tell me that it isn't God's miraculous plan to place him into our arms, then I do not believe that you fully understand the nature of who He is.  For He is the very One who burst through time & poured out His blood in order to ransom us & pluck us out of certain death and adopt us as His sons and daughters.  And guess what?  That was not Plan B.  The Lamb was slain before the foundations of the world.  

Every story is different.  God isn't predictable.  His Word is true and it is infallible.  But in this world we will have trouble.  Ah, but fear not, He has overcome the world.  And He will see fit that ALL things we face will work together for good when we love Him and are called according to His purpose.  Not a trite answer.  Just a fact.  

So, to address the question of whether or not my friend Kerri or I (or any other person experiencing a great trial) have a problem with our faith levels.  How does one even answer that?  As if we could ever "earn" a miracle or deserve anything at all, as we lie in a pile of filthy rags, thinking we have even an ounce of righteousness in and of ourselves.  I am not saying that faith does not please the Lord.  And with all my heart, I desire for my faith in HIM to be great.  But if we examine the Word and the accounts therein, we will find that pain and faith are close companions.  And as a result, together they often birthed greater miracles than any mind could've conceived or prayed for.  And so they did in our son, Christian.  Our miracle.  God's gift.  His story unfolding in our lives, for His glory.  The labor of pain and faith birthed at long last.