It's early on a Saturday morning, and I awakened with this incredible urge to update my journal!  When I first began this journal on my website, it was before we had our son Christian.  ( I like to call it B.C.)  I was writing fairly regularly and then, suddenly, this thing called "motherhood" hit!  Life has certainly taken on a different set of priorities, but I still love the chance to check in with you all and let you know what God's been doing in my life lately.  And, as always, I love and appreciate hearing your testimonies and stories, as you write to me as well.  So encouraging!

The last year has been quite a journey.  Some very interesting chapters have unfolded - chapters I never expected to have been written.  Can anyone relate as you flip through the pages of the "story of your life" thus far, and wonder "where did THAT come from?  That wasn't supposed to be a part of MY story..."  And yet, I see this thread of God's faithfulness woven through even the most difficult moments of my journey - a sign that He is in the very fabric of my every day life - creating, molding, crafting, writing, designing, pruning - as I continue to lift my eyes to Him - the Author and Finisher of my faith.

Since I wrote last, in addition to being a wife and a mom, I spent a year directing a worship department in a very conservative church in Northern Colorado.  Coming from my background, which is non-denominational and fairly expressive - this was a bit of a shocker!  I didn't realize what an incredible challenge it would be to my paradigm of worship and to me personally.  It shook me to the core.  We knew God had clearly led us to this Body of believers, at least for a season, and they and the Pastor are precious, wonderful folks who love Jesus!  But suddenly I was faced with all that I "knew" and had experienced thus far in my life as a worship leader (people being responsive, "outwardly" entering in) and all that laid before me, which was quite different. 

The questions in me that arose were..."Have I lost my effectiveness?"  "Am I not seeking the Lord enough?"  "Have I missed You, Lord?"  "Do I need to do something differently...talk more, instruct, do more hymns?" "Have I been unknowingly receiving personal affirmation from people's responses in the past, rather than giving all the glory to You, Lord?" "What does worship really look like?" (recognize those questions at all?)  Week after week, I would seek the Lord for His heart for that week, only to feel like somehow I didn't deliver, realizing, of course, that I, in and of myself, couldn't deliver anyway.  I battled "perceived" rejection on nearly a weekly basis, until the Lord began to revolutionalize me on the inside...

He began to strip me of "me."  Ah!  The pruning shears were wielded! He showed me, and I THOUGHT I already knew this, that me leading worship really has nothing to do with me or my personal comfort or satisfaction.  (though there are so many times in His presence that may actually feel absolutely life-changing and utterly amazing!) Duh! It has to do with LESS of me and MORE of Him. Yes, I am a vessel and a tool, but how dare I think that by ME saying or doing the "right" thing that somehow all Heaven would break loose and people's hearts would be set free to worship like never before?  I have the faith for that, but it's certainly nothing that I could do in my own strength.  "Not by might, not by power, but by my Spirit" became my theme.  My job is obedience, seeking Him, preparation, worshiping authentically, caring for and loving His people, pouring myself out...and He would do the rest.  These are lessons that I thought I had learned in the past, but as followers of Christ and as one who ministers from the platform, I have to be continually reminded that my posture must be that of a servant and my attitude must be one of humility and absolute dependance.  I thank the Lord that He loves me enough to keep me in that place.  Because of His grace, I continue to grow more dependant upon Him as the years pass.  The more I know Him and see Him, the more I realize, truly, what a wretch I am, and I become more and more amazed by His love and the fact that He uses me at all!  I realize that all I have to offer the world is CHRIST in me - the hope of glory.  Yeah, He's put tools in my hand - songs, a voice, the ability to lead - but they are NOTHING, absolutely nothing, without the touch of the Holy Spirit.  So, I fall down again and again at the feet of my Savior - rejoicing - for I am ransomed, redeemed, restored, renewed, refreshed...and completely and utterly dependant on all that He is to come fill all that I am, so that I might be of use to Him in this broken world.

So, God's been up to a lot in my life.  Christian is almost 3 now!  He is a delight.  SO full of personality and talking up a STORM!  He has a sweet, sweet personality, is very sensitive, but ALL BOY!  He loves tractors, semi-trucks, motorcycles, airplanes - anything with an engine!  And he is so smart!  It's scary, but if the gals in Sunday school want to figure out if something is "child-proof," they put Christian in the room for 5 minutes, and if he can't figure it out, then none of the other kids will either.  He's very mechnical.  Oh..and he LOVES music!  He has an amazing sense of rhythm and jams to all the syncopated rhythms on his Veggie Tales DVD's and in the car with Mommy and Daddy.  So CUTE!  And he is very "neat" and organized, for which Mommy is truly grateful!  Being a neat freak myself, I rejoice when I see him picking up his toys on his own and lining up things quite precisely, rather than haphazardly.  Ha!  That's my boy!

Being a Mom has taught me a lot too!  Wow!  It's taught me what "laying down your life" truly means!  It's given me a glimpse of the Father heart of God that I didn't have before.  It's forced me to become more childlike and appreciate the details of life that we miss because of busyness.  And it's teaching me to be more patient.  Of course, none of these lessons are "learned" yet...just in process.

I've also been doing a LOT of writing this last year.  Not only did I write and record my new CD "Faithful God," but I also wrote 6 new songs for a project called "Better Than Life." which will come out in the Fall of 2007.  I, Scott Krippayne and Charles Billingsley recorded this project with RBC Ministries and Mission Network News, in honor of and to raise awareness for the Persecuted Church.  We will do a mini-tour in the Fall right around the date of the International Day of Prayer for the Persecuted Church and the CD will be released in the Fall, as well as a DVD, which will air on Pax TV.  What was SO neat about writing for this project is that Greg Yoder, the Director of Mission Network News, sent me stories to actually write about.  Stories of persecuted believers around the world who truly are counting it all JOY!  It rocked my world!  I can't wait for you to hear it.  I'll try to actually get my itinerary updated, so that you can check out where we'll be in the Fall.  I count it a huge privilege to be able to write and sing these songs, for the sake of His Kingdom.

Well, I should probably sign off now.  I think Mark and I are going to take Christian to the zoo today.  But first, I want to pray for you...

"Father, I thank you so much for every life that is reading this page right now.  I thank You for the journey that you are unfolding before them, and I thank You for being the Author and Finisher of their faith, Lord!  Father, in spite of all the things we don't understand about this path we're on, Lord, there is ONE thing that remains steadfast, and that is Your faithfulness.  As so, in light of that truth, Lord, we cling to You.  We fix our eyes on You.  We lift our hearts and lives to You.  We are wholly dependant on You for every day, for every breath, for every dream, every step...and we trust You with each page that is turning.  We pray as Jehoshaphat prayed..."God, we don't know what to do, but our eyes are upon You..."  Lord, help that to be true of us.  Help us not to look to the right or to the left, but to focus on the only One who can light up this path we're on.  We love You so much, Father.  Be glorified in and through us.  In Jesus Mighty Name, Amen...